I asked a few married women what they wish they had known before they had sex for the first time. I love the vulnerability of these women to share an intimate part of their lives. Note a few themes that came from the answers. This wisdom applies not only to the first time, but to the 1000th time, of being intimate.
Open your heart and prepare to rethink sex.
Sex is a Journey
“I wish I had known to enjoy that sex is a journey. I put so much emotional energy in that first time and realize I have the rest of my life with this man, to really learn together, as far as sex and intimacy. Embracing the journey of sex how it ebbs and flows. There are times, like when pregnant, when it’s really hard, which is different than the novelty of the first time. Choosing it and seeing the deeply unifying power of sex in the context of covenant is beautiful.”
“My first time, it would have been helpful for my heart to laugh a little bit more and enjoy a little bit more the process and not that it had to be right or perfect. Realizing just like anything with my husband it gets better with time as we discover each other it gets more enjoyable.”
“That it gets better – so much better – with time. As great as it is the first time, there is so much more to look forward to, because the 1,000+ time you have sex with your husband is so much better still!”
Satisfying sex is a journey it is not a one-time emotional high but is a deep well that the more you know the person you are with the deeper sex can become.
Your Mindset and Emotions Set the Tone
“Sex isn’t just about our bodies being turned on and then we “do it.” Being prepared mentally and emotionally is just as vital to having great sex as being ready physically, and while the first time might not be mind-blowing, it can definitely be more enjoyable when you’ve come to connect and be present with yourself and your spouse. When you know what you want and what you bring to “the table”, there is a sense of security in yourself first and then with your spouse.”
“I was told that the biggest sex organ is your brain. Choose to take the time to emotionally prepare and make sure your heart is choosing to be in love with your spouse. When you are connected emotionally then connecting physically is so much more.”
“I wish I had known it’s ok to relax and feel things out and that you don’t have to do a “performance piece” with tons of positions etc. I had a lot of abuse before marriage but had my first time after marriage so I wish I had known you don’t have to explore every pain or negative thought that comes up. You can release things and let them go and no matter what’s happened to you, you can be happy and enjoy sex.”
The past does not have to come with you into your sex, “you don’t have to explore every pain or negative thought”.
It is better with Connection and Safety
“Sex is so much better with connection and safety, and worth waiting for. Outside of marriage, you don’t have the level of safety and trust necessary for it to be what it was designed to be, which is far more than an (sometimes elusive) orgasm.”
Practical Wisdom For an Amazing First Time
But how do you create a first time experience that starts you on that journey. Here are a few thoughts from the women.
- Have things you can do to relax and get comfortable before the “main” event and even for after. (Foreplay, massages, games, food activities, exploration, cuddling, etc.) Think about what you want the mood and atmosphere to feel like. (Candles, music, lingerie, lighting)
- Be mindful of how you are feeling, listen to your heart, and set your intention on being with your spouse.
- Talk through expectations beforehand. This can feel awkward but is important so that you both enjoy the process.
- It can be difficult for the first time to find the right position or even to get the penis in the vagina. You may have to try a few positions. It is not always easy from the start. That does not mean their is something wrong people just don’t talk about how awkward it can be.
- If you can’t get to orgasm during sex, don’t be afraid to get there other ways. It’s best to set up expectations for this ahead of time: that both partners be committed to both partners ‘getting there’.
- It can be messy have a washcloth available for afterwards.
- A little bit of lubricant can make the whole experience a lot more fun. (Some lubricants are contraceptive so if you want a baby choice one that is baby friendly. If you don’t yet then use more then just lubricant.)
- Hydrogen peroxide takes blood out easily so have some for afterwards for the sheets etc if you need it.
- Afterwards you will probably be hungry, plan ahead to have some snacks to enjoy together, also it can be super dehydrating so make sure to be drinking lots.
- Women can easily get a urinary track infection (UTI) after the first few times. To avoid this pee right afterwards. Consider having probiotics and 100% cranberry juice or cranberry pills and stay hydrated. There is nothing worse then having a bad UTI when you want to be enjoying each other. If you feel a UTI coming on a tablespoon apple cider vinegar in water or cranberry juice a few times a day can work magic.
I recommend two great books to enhance intimacy and get you started on a beautiful sex journey.
- Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman
- Getting your sex life off to a great start by Penner and Penner.
Thank you to all the women who shared their wisdom and knowledge of the beautiful process of sex. I loved the mix of physical tips and emotional vulnerability that was shared. Sex was created to be a beautiful encounter to be enjoyed and create deep intimate connection.
One last tip from one of the ladies “Babies. Are super easy to make sometimes. I got pregnant twenty days after I got married on two forms of birth control.” 🙂
If you are wanting to make a baby or work on your health I would love to work with you by supporting your fertility or pregnancy journey. I also support women in balancing hormones and having great menstrual cycles. Make a Free 20 Minute appointment.